These days, what I am hearing a lot is people want to find their tribe. They feel isolated, they feel lonely, often unheard, find it awkward to make new friends and don’t know what to do about it.
It is true, most of us find it harder to make friends when we get older. Maybe we never found it easy to connect with others, never really feeling as though we fit in completely, or even partially.
Hanging around with people that don’t have the same outlook on things is not comfortable. A lot of times we tolerate groups because some of what they do can be fun, but when it makes you feel uncomfortable and you find yourself gritting your teeth at things or laughing along just to fit in, that is not your tribe.
Why is it important though to find our tribe?
I think it is important to surround yourself with supportive people who encourage you to be your best self. This can foster tremendous growth, both personally and professionally. It is like feeling you are finally home.
So, how can you find your tribe or at least something close to it?
I think that one of the first steps is to work out who we are as a person.
We often find ourselves saying or doing things to fit in that isn’t the true us, we need to work out who exactly we are so that when we find our tribe we know.
You can ask yourself such questions as:
- What are your top 5 characteristics?
- What words would you use to describe your ideal self?
- What are your main strengths?
- How can you use those strengths more often?
There is a difference between looking for our tribe and trying to fit in, then working out who we are and thus being able to recognise when we find our tribe or attract our tribe.
Once you have worked out who you are as a person, you need to look at what your needs are. What type of support is needed? What type of nourishment does our soul need?
What shared interests should they have? What can you offer in return?
Do you need people to sit in silence with? Have fun with? Political discussions? Philosophical debates? Do you want to share, stretch and grow?
Do you need friends you can go places with? Learn with?
Write down a top 10 list of things you need out of life and your tribe:
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Where is my Tribe?
The next step could be to look where you think your tribe might hang out
The Internet is full of places where they are likely to be.
Meetup is great for finding local groups that match your interests and for starting your own groups in order to attract your Tribe.
One thing is for sure, if you are not actively looking and open to finding your tribe purely by serendipity then you are unlikely to find anyone. You need to be out there trying new things, finding new places, having new experiences.
What sort of things are you willing to try?
List 5 of them here:
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What else?
Reach out to friends you have had in the past, maybe you have lost touch with them through moving or going to Uni or leaving the area you grew up in, maybe you even moved countries and have to start all over again.
Life has a habit of getting in the way of our habit of connecting, Christmas cards no longer sent, Birthdays missed, special occasions go by. Just send a message, write a letter, call someone up, send an email.
Make new friends from your wider network
Parents of your kid’s friends, or friends of friends, make friends at work. Ask people you meet to go for coffee. Any person you meet through others is a potential friend.
Be approachable
Instead of looking for people to put a smile on your face, put your own smile on and attract others. You are responsible for your own happiness in many ways and being open to connect really helps.
They say that in order to make yourself happy, make someone else happy and that works both ways.
Join local communities
There are always local communities that are crying out for helpers, members or support.
It can be so rewarding to participate in your local community, organise a rubbish/trash pick up session/day. People will see you picking up trash and talk to you (work better if you have a dog too).
Give in order to get. Be seen, be heard, say hello to everyone (If you see someone without a smile, give them one of your own).
Create your own community
I am very fond of starting my own communities, by asking like minded people to join me in regular meetings to discuss things we have in common, to learn from each other and get other people’s perspective on things. It can be a book club, a coffee morning, a peer support group, a creativity group. Absolutely anything. All clubs started with one member.
The initiator.
Political Views?
Are there local gatherings that are your thing? Protests? council meetings?
Something you could get involved in as an activist?
Have you thought of Volunteering?
Volunteering is good for more than just your conscience. It’s also a terrific way to meet new friends.
Volunteering is a great way to give back and to socialise. When you volunteer, you are around people with a similar mission and value system in mind about giving to the community. This puts you around like-minded people, which is always a great foundation to a friendship.
Local events?
Keep an eye out for local events; Walks in the area, musical events, Fairs, fundraisers, scout group events, sports events. So much out there that we may not even be aware of.
Check out the local newspapers that come though our letterboxes
Discovering things in your neighbourhood.
I know people that have discovered many wonderful things just hundreds of yards from where they live, just by walking. I do this whenever I move to a new area. I personally have discovered Chocolate factories, fabulous Architecture, farm food, amazing corner shops, places of interest etc. just by walking and driving in my area.
Just say Yes.
Sometimes, when we are just not feeling it we tend to isolate ourselves.
Say yes to more things when asked, be open to serendipity, other people may be there that feel the same way you do. If you see someone like that, go up to them and say hi.
Get out of the house
People won’t come to you, you have to be visible. Start chatting with local shopkeepers, ask them questions, where to find stuff. Ask for recommendations.
Take classes
What sort of things do you like? What have you never tried before?
Learn a new language? Pottery? Printing t-shirts? Night school education?
This is a great way to meet people that have the same interests that you might have and maybe they are also exploring things too?
Be consistent.
Keep going to new or the same places, keep trying new things, keep in contact with people, Keep smiling, keep saying hi to people you are in contact with.
Be Interested.
Instead of maybe thinking you are not interesting enough for others, be interested in them.
Take the focus off yourself and discover other people. What makes them tick?
What makes them laugh, smile or feel good?
Have some questions ready that you can ask people when you meet them
List 3 of them here:
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Rekindle older passions
What did you like doing when you were younger?
Is there anything you could pick up again? Did you learn an instrument? Knitting?
Play a particular sport? Collecting things? Mending things? Drawing or painting?
What did you used to like doing?:
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Meeting members of the opposite sex?
Is this something to explore? There are many ways to meet others for companionship and more. Online is particularly big these days. There are singles clubs, dining groups, speed dating, etc. lots of avenues to explore for the adventurous.
What have I missed?
What do you or did you do to find your tribe?
Andy Whittle - Unboxed 